So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
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I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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