Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
