My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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