She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
