New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
