Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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