my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
