1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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