so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
