The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
