I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
