$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
