I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
