so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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