I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she looked like the before picture.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
