dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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