I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
