I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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