hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
