I think im going to throw up on grandma
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
