All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize