I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
