come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
