Sry I called you an 8
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it