i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.