you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.