I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Less talking, more tequila
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
