is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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