Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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