so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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