His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
