Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
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there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
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I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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