i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
