the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
