im six kinds of drunk right now
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
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we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
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I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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