Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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