I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
