Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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