Got a toothbrush?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
