Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
