saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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