my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
