One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
