hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
