just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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