I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
