If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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