After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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