Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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