I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
