I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize