It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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