Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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