We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
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He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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