Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
