Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
