Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
